Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
pastor chris.
When we are young, we constantly strive to be perceived and regarded as somewhat older than we are. We relish any opportunity to be included in the conversations or activities of an older caste; hanging out with the 'big kids', being able to sit at the 'grown-up' table at family gatherings, etc. Growing up itself is, in many ways, a process of testing the limits of when we might genuinely come to be included, in the perception of our peers and community, in that cumulative tier of maturity that is, at present, just beyond us.
Until such a time as this is the case, we pretend; enacting adventures, both dangerous and docile, smoking a stolen cigarette, or driving the parents car around an empty lot. We pretend until our fantasy of greater maturity is actually attained, at which point we set the sights of our hopeful pretense yet another rung higher. At some point, this process of pretense and attainment begins to climax; the distance between reality and what was initially only fantasy becoming less and less.
When I was six years old, perhaps I would pretend that I was a grown man with a job and a family, mimicking my father in the form of something that might be decades away. When I was in high school, perhaps the thought of college life captured my imagination; this only four years removed from my present. In our twenties, maybe it is a job we aspire to, or a promotion; ultimately things only months out of our reach, depending on circumstance... At some point, we are finally forced to realize that we have arrived at 'maturity'; that place of regard and responsibility that we have been striving and pretending at our whole lives, whether or not it actually looks like we had thought or hoped. Eventually, after coming to grips with this climax, many people find themselves, suddenly and strangely, wishing that they were younger.
But alas, the march of time knows no reverse. Our pretense only works in one direction.
It seems that I have arrived at a place that was only once a distant dream; career, promotion, responsibility... a wife, a house, and soon a child. I look around now, and I realize that all these people around me believe that this is who I really am; mature, responsible... an adult. And, I can't help but wonder when they'll find me out... when they'll realize that this is just a game. I wonder when they'll realize that I am really just a child who has been pretending to be grown... Because I don't have this thing figured out yet. I don't really know what I am doing. I'm just making all this up as I go along.
Life these days feels as if I am riding the crest of a wave; who I am and where I will be tomorrow doesn't actually exist until the moment I arrive... as if the ground itself that I am walking on does not exist until the moment my foot falls to meet it. I worry about the day when my imagination will fail me, when I will fail to imagine the next step into existence, causing me to stumble, and this house of cards to collapse. Because this is uncharted territory, filled with the unknown, threatening to bring me to the end of what my competency can muster.
But then I wonder if maybe... maybe this is what it means to walk by faith. Maybe this is the essence of what it means to allow God to lead us into the heart of a calling and a life that is greater than ourselves; greater than we can even imagine. Maybe it is here, as we are forced to reckon with the inability of our own competency to lead us into the realization of tomorrow, that we discover what faith really is. Maybe to be grown is not to come to the place where we believe that we've got this life figured out, but rather to realize that we never will; to surrender to trust that God will guide us into tomorrow, creating it before us even as we go.
The dew of creation is yet fresh upon this day. I did not know what it would hold before I got here, and tomorrow is hidden by the mists of pre-existence. But I will walk forward in the trust in my creator and sustainer; the giver of breath to my lungs and words to my heart. I do not have wisdom enough for even today, but his wisdom and love is sufficient to bring about all my days that have yet to be. So I cast myself upon Him, His hands and heart and purposes, in trust and faith, and in the divine joy that is found in surrender to the one who is truly sufficient for me.
Until such a time as this is the case, we pretend; enacting adventures, both dangerous and docile, smoking a stolen cigarette, or driving the parents car around an empty lot. We pretend until our fantasy of greater maturity is actually attained, at which point we set the sights of our hopeful pretense yet another rung higher. At some point, this process of pretense and attainment begins to climax; the distance between reality and what was initially only fantasy becoming less and less.
When I was six years old, perhaps I would pretend that I was a grown man with a job and a family, mimicking my father in the form of something that might be decades away. When I was in high school, perhaps the thought of college life captured my imagination; this only four years removed from my present. In our twenties, maybe it is a job we aspire to, or a promotion; ultimately things only months out of our reach, depending on circumstance... At some point, we are finally forced to realize that we have arrived at 'maturity'; that place of regard and responsibility that we have been striving and pretending at our whole lives, whether or not it actually looks like we had thought or hoped. Eventually, after coming to grips with this climax, many people find themselves, suddenly and strangely, wishing that they were younger.
But alas, the march of time knows no reverse. Our pretense only works in one direction.
It seems that I have arrived at a place that was only once a distant dream; career, promotion, responsibility... a wife, a house, and soon a child. I look around now, and I realize that all these people around me believe that this is who I really am; mature, responsible... an adult. And, I can't help but wonder when they'll find me out... when they'll realize that this is just a game. I wonder when they'll realize that I am really just a child who has been pretending to be grown... Because I don't have this thing figured out yet. I don't really know what I am doing. I'm just making all this up as I go along.
Life these days feels as if I am riding the crest of a wave; who I am and where I will be tomorrow doesn't actually exist until the moment I arrive... as if the ground itself that I am walking on does not exist until the moment my foot falls to meet it. I worry about the day when my imagination will fail me, when I will fail to imagine the next step into existence, causing me to stumble, and this house of cards to collapse. Because this is uncharted territory, filled with the unknown, threatening to bring me to the end of what my competency can muster.
But then I wonder if maybe... maybe this is what it means to walk by faith. Maybe this is the essence of what it means to allow God to lead us into the heart of a calling and a life that is greater than ourselves; greater than we can even imagine. Maybe it is here, as we are forced to reckon with the inability of our own competency to lead us into the realization of tomorrow, that we discover what faith really is. Maybe to be grown is not to come to the place where we believe that we've got this life figured out, but rather to realize that we never will; to surrender to trust that God will guide us into tomorrow, creating it before us even as we go.
The dew of creation is yet fresh upon this day. I did not know what it would hold before I got here, and tomorrow is hidden by the mists of pre-existence. But I will walk forward in the trust in my creator and sustainer; the giver of breath to my lungs and words to my heart. I do not have wisdom enough for even today, but his wisdom and love is sufficient to bring about all my days that have yet to be. So I cast myself upon Him, His hands and heart and purposes, in trust and faith, and in the divine joy that is found in surrender to the one who is truly sufficient for me.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Next Tat?
:: I've been doing some thinking/work on my next potential tattoo... I've already got a good idea for a shoulder piece. This (above) would be a bicep arm band. It's based on an abbreviated personal 'rule of life'; Creation, Labor, Sabbath, and Word. This design attempts to visually evoke a balance and rhythm of life that I constantly need to be reminded of; four echoes of the rhythms of Grace that God has created me to live within.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Fatherhood.
Two months ago, I turned 27 years old. Two months ago, I also found out that I am going to be a father. Holy fear has taken on a new definition for me. When we first found out, the two days that followed felt like one long, drawn out heart attack. Since then, I have settled into a cathartic blend of fear and excitement, flavored by the quiet disbelief that in less than 6 months my life, as I now know it, will have changed forever. My relationship with my wife will have changed forever. From here on out, we will no longer be simply a couple, but parents. A family. Unbelievable.
I can already tell that this journey will teach me more about the character and nature of God than I have ever known. As I contemplate this new life, even now taking shape in amazing ways, through all the fear and doubts and practical complications, one feeling wells up to consume all others... Love. It is such a bizarre realization to know that there is a being, a person, who is as of yet non-existent in tangible form, but who nonetheless will uncontrollably draw forth from you the deepest manifestations of care, concern, and self-sacrifice. This person hasn't even set foot in the world yet, but I already know that I love them in such a way that I cannot help but give everything for them.
As powerless as a man hurtled downstream by a rushing river current, I know that this end is unavoidable. Their very act of being compels my very essence to love them at a level deeper than I have ever felt. It's not even really a choice; it is the very character, the ontological essence, of our ever-developing relationship itself. I Already worry for this child; about their health and happiness and about the choices they will make in life. I worry about providing for them; giving them all that I can to enable them unto fullest life. I concern myself even with their relationship with God, their creator. What holy fear it is to bring a free-willed being into the world!
And I wonder, in all of this, if this is not the manner in which God relates to us. Setting out in the act of creation, out of the overflow of love within Godself, did God know that, as the Father, he could not help but love that which he was about to bring into existence? Did he know that, compelled by the rushing river of his own nature and essence, he would unavoidably be driven to give all of Himself in love for these people? Did he know, at the foundation of creation, that he was going to die in order that we might have life?
I believe he did. God knew, because God knows what love is. God IS love. In a manner deeper than we will ever know, God understands the way in which love compels; that to embrace love is to give oneself, even unto death. I imagine that it wasn't even really a choice; at least not in the manner that we understand choice... It is who God IS; a lover, and the Father, and hence, the Savior. Breathtaking.
I can already tell that this journey will teach me more about the character and nature of God than I have ever known. As I contemplate this new life, even now taking shape in amazing ways, through all the fear and doubts and practical complications, one feeling wells up to consume all others... Love. It is such a bizarre realization to know that there is a being, a person, who is as of yet non-existent in tangible form, but who nonetheless will uncontrollably draw forth from you the deepest manifestations of care, concern, and self-sacrifice. This person hasn't even set foot in the world yet, but I already know that I love them in such a way that I cannot help but give everything for them.
As powerless as a man hurtled downstream by a rushing river current, I know that this end is unavoidable. Their very act of being compels my very essence to love them at a level deeper than I have ever felt. It's not even really a choice; it is the very character, the ontological essence, of our ever-developing relationship itself. I Already worry for this child; about their health and happiness and about the choices they will make in life. I worry about providing for them; giving them all that I can to enable them unto fullest life. I concern myself even with their relationship with God, their creator. What holy fear it is to bring a free-willed being into the world!
And I wonder, in all of this, if this is not the manner in which God relates to us. Setting out in the act of creation, out of the overflow of love within Godself, did God know that, as the Father, he could not help but love that which he was about to bring into existence? Did he know that, compelled by the rushing river of his own nature and essence, he would unavoidably be driven to give all of Himself in love for these people? Did he know, at the foundation of creation, that he was going to die in order that we might have life?
I believe he did. God knew, because God knows what love is. God IS love. In a manner deeper than we will ever know, God understands the way in which love compels; that to embrace love is to give oneself, even unto death. I imagine that it wasn't even really a choice; at least not in the manner that we understand choice... It is who God IS; a lover, and the Father, and hence, the Savior. Breathtaking.
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